Cancel Culture: Cancelling Free Speech?

A phrase paraded around like some sacred, untouchable right—mostly by politicians, celebrities, and the ultra-rich. You know, the only people who actually get to enjoy "free speech" thanks to their deep pockets and VIP passes to society’s untouchable club. But even they aren’t immune to modern cancel culture. The difference? When the internet turns against them, it's a sprinkle of inconvenience, maybe a quick PR apology. For the average Joe? It’s a full-blown hurricane, tossing you straight into unemployment and irrelevance.

So, where is free speech? Better yet—did it ever exist, or is it just a comforting illusion, like that one childhood toy you swore was magical but was actually just…plastic? If free speech were a spy navigating a room of laser beams, one wrong move and—boom! —your digital existence is wiped clean. Are we actually free to say what we want, or is an army of offended, biased social media warriors lurking, ready to drag us through the mud at the slightest misstep?

Where’s my slice of the free speech pie? Or do I need millions in the bank and an army of die-hard fans willing to defend me at all costs?

Now, don’t get me wrong—there’s a very fine line between free speech and being an asshole. Funny how the loudest voices preaching free speech are usually the same ones silencing anyone with a differing opinion. It’s like a toddler playing make-believe—if they say free speech exists, it must be true! And how dare you suggest otherwise?

So, if you truly believe free speech exists, congratulations—you’re either rich (please PayPal me immediately) or blissfully unaware of the wrath of cancel culture.

And don’t be fooled into thinking cancel culture is some modern invention. Oh no, humanity has been perfecting the art of ruining people for centuries. Just ask the women who were burned at the stake for speaking their minds or the folks stoned for believing in the "wrong" religion. The only thing that's changed? Social media has given it a turbo boost, turning every scandal into a worldwide spectacle.

The real question isn’t just whether free speech exists—it’s whether it ever did. Or was it always an illusion, carefully designed to make us feel like we had power when, in reality, society has already decided what’s acceptable?

If that’s the case, someone pass me the manual on how to wake everyone up from this collective delusion. Because here’s the cold, hard truth: free speech has never truly existed—and never will. Not when humanity is addicted to believing they’re right and everyone else is wrong.

Breaking news: There are 8 billion people on this planet. If you think your views are universally correct, brace yourself—a mob is already forming, knives sharpened, ready to rip your opinions to shreds for the crime of disagreeing.

Unlike my other blogs, I can’t give you practical tips for achieving free speech—because it doesn’t exist. But if you're determined to pretend it does, here’s your best bet:

• Become filthy rich.

• Hold an untouchable position of power.

Only then can you sort of enjoy it. Until that day, tread carefully—cancel culture lurks in the shadows, waiting to strike like a sleep-deprived raccoon looking for a fight.

Special shoutout to Jane and John Doe for the wine-fuelled existential crisis that led to this rant. Also, thanks to cancel culture for still being alive else this post would not exist—unfortunately.

#StayWokeOrDontStayWoke—whatever, I couldn't care less.