Finsta Fitness Influencers and Their Trashy Tactics

Let’s get one thing straight before the protein powder hits the fan: not all Instagram fitness influencers are trash. But wow, a lot of them are. And after doom-scrolling through enough glistening abs and suspiciously motivational captions to make my eyeballs sweat, I had to break my blog silence.

So here we are.

💪 The Absurdity of Abs and Advice

You know the type. They’ve trained for years, sculpted their bodies like Greek statues, and now they’re posting half-naked selfies with captions like:

• “10 things that changed my life”

• “Your hormones are out of whack, that’s why you’re not losing weight”

• “This green juice will give you a flat tummy” (Sure, Karen. Right after your midnight 2,000-calorie snack.)

Some even claim their muscle-toning workouts will “target fat in specific areas.” Which is adorable. And scientifically false.

🧬 A Dose of Reality (and Biochemistry)

I’ve been training for years. I’ve done bodybuilding preps. I’m currently pursuing a degree in biochemistry and botany. So let me break it to you gently, Cathy:

You can’t spot-reduce fat. You just have to eat less or move more. It’s called thermodynamics. Not witchcraft.

No amount of kale smoothies or “booty band” workouts will override the laws of physics. Sorry, not sorry.

🧠 “Fix Your Hormones”? Which Ones, Babe?

Here’s another classic line:

“Fix your hormones and the fat will melt off!”

Okay, but… which hormones exactly? Because the human body isn’t running on three vibes and a green juice. There are over 50 hormones in your body, and they’re not all hanging out in your belly waiting for celery to save them.

Here’s just a taste of the hormonal buffet:

Hormone	What It Does
Insulin	Regulates blood sugar and fat storage
Leptin	Tells your brain you’re full (unless you ignore it at 2 a.m.)
Ghrelin	Makes you hungry—aka the snack whisperer
Cortisol	Stress hormone; also responsible for rage- flipping off the driver that cut you off
Thyroid hormones (T3, T4)	Control metabolism and energy
Estrogen & Progesterone	Reproductive hormones, mood influencers, drama queens
Testosterone	Muscle growth, libido, and occasional gym ego
Growth hormone	Helps build muscle and repair tissue
Adrenaline	Fight-or-flight, or “why did I just sprint from a bee?”

So unless your influencer has a PhD in endocrinology and a lab in their kitchen, maybe don’t take their “hormone hacks” too seriously.

🎓 The 24-Hour Coach Epidemic

And here’s the cherry on top of this protein-packed nonsense sundae: many of these influencers get their “coaching certificates” in 24 hours. That’s less time than it takes to binge-watch a season of Love Island. Then they turn around and sell you overpriced programs filled with recycled Pinterest workouts and pseudoscience.

They don’t empower you. They sell you shame, dressed up in leggings and fake positivity.

So next time you see a glistening influencer telling you that your hormones are broken and only their $99/month coaching plan can fix it—remember: science still exists. And so does common sense.

Now go lift something heavy and eat a vegetable. Preferably not blended into a juice named after a forest.